Wednesday, November 19, 2014
While I was deployed I watched a movie called Llyod the Conqueror. It was in the bargain bin of our PX, and I figured since I’d never heard of it, the movie was a straight to DVD T&A low budget film. I was only partially correct, it was Canadian. So it was low budget, they obviously did not spend any money on the script, as the lines were cheesier than the Wisconsin State Fair. As for the T&A aspect, I’ve seen more on network television, and been more aroused by episodes of the cartoon, She-Ra.
The worst had to be the actual plot, however. It was about LARPing. Now just on case you do not know what LARPing is, essentially it is playing Dungeons and Dragons in costume with foam swords. I will fully admit to playing D&D, and rather enjoyed it, but LARPing is a bridge to far for me. There’s being nerdy, and then there is full-on double barrel woman repellent. The authors and director of this cheese slathered, cinematic atrocity went past the point of stupidly nerdy and onto creepy when they brought in the dudes in horse costumes. The main protagonist and antagonist had to ride the "horses" for the climactic battle. Think two man horse costume with the guys nut to butt, and the one in front making horse like sounds, if the horse was wacked out its head on Ketamine and having an orgasm.
So just like Bikini Girls on Ice, another of my favorite Canadian cinema classics, where I was rooting for the killer to hurry up and whack everyone to stop the stupid, when Llyod the Conqueror was over I felt dirty, ashamed of what I had just done, bereft of my mojo, and less intelligent.