Junior Inquisitor

Junior Inquisitor

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Manly Chili

Real Man Chili -

what Arnie's version of Conan would make


4 pounds lean ground beef

6 sausages

2 lbs of other pork product Bacon, loin whatever

1 white onion

2 Beers (minimum)

2 (40 ounce) cans kidney beans

2 (6 ounce) cans tomato paste

1 red onion

4 large cloves garlic

2-3/4 teaspoons salt

1/3 cup and 2 tablespoons chili powder

1-3/4 teaspoons ground black pepper

6 habanero/ jalapeno peppers (fire is to taste)

2 (15 ounce) cans tomato sauce

1 tablespoon and 2-1/2 teaspoons cayenne pepper

One big pot 2 gallon size

So this is what you should have in the beginning. It is missing the Cayenne pepper, the red onion and Tomato Sauce because someone was lollygagging.

Notice I've got some Tabasco sauce and onion powder, you might need it, but probably not. I also had a can of Hormel chili which I threw in so it could see what real chili was like.

What to do now everything's assembled

Open cans, drain off excess liquid toss contents in big pot. Peel and chop veggies. Do the garlic first as it is a pain, but still worth it. Open first beer, that's for you, the second is for the chili. Guard your beer, or it will be swiped as someone wants “just a sip,” then finishes it off, and leaves before getting you a replacement.

Chop up the onion and then the peppers. Keep you fingers out of your eyes and face while chopping peppers, or you'll spend a good half hour cussing. Once you have peeled chopped and prepped the veggies toss them in the pot. Wash your hands thoroughly to avoid pepper burns. Then break out the measuring spoons and toss in the spices.

Cook and cube, or cube and cook all of the non-ground meat, in a pan. As it is done toss that in the pot. Brown the ground meat as well. The meat is the most important part, so make sure you have enough room in your pot to fit it all, it's okay to go to the rim, but do you really want to have to stir two pots?

Once everything is in but the chili beer, pour that in. Beer is to taste obviously. If you want to use Pabst Blue Ribbon or Schaefer Light, do so. As my family is from Scotland, I use Irish beers for my cooking. You can even use wine if you are a chili snob. I'd avoid hard alcohol, eight ounces of Jack and your house is going to smell like a distillery. Your neighbors will rat you out, and ATF agents will eat all of your chili after they kick in your door.

Turn on the heat and commence to stirring, think of it like exercise, which is why you can finish that beer guilt free. Or have another, it's up to you and your liver. It'll be about an hour give or take, keep the heat in the medium to low range you want a boil but a very mild one. To much heat and/or not enough stirring, and you'll have burnt chili. If that happens order takeout.

Now once everything is cooking this is how thick it should be

If a wooden spoon can stand on it's own, congrats you've got man chili. Remember dogs and onions are a bad mix. No matter how much Fido gives you the “Woe-is-me” look or even the hairy eyeball of death, if you give some of your chili to him you will at a minimum have a tough time breathing the fumes. More likely you'll be picking up partly digested messes that came from both ends, and at worst be responsible for sending Rover to doggie heaven.

Once the hour is up and your arms feel like you have hung from The Tree of Woe for a few days, spoon out your chili out and enjoy. With another beer.

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