Junior Inquisitor

Junior Inquisitor

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Literary Swordsmanship

Howdy everyone, I hope this crazy weather has at least amused you. I recently got to enjoy some ‘mandatory fun’ as we call in in the military aka a family vacation. Despite colds, coughs, and runny noses, the family and In-laws went down to Great Wolf Lodge in Williamsburg VA. Much fun was had. Little Girl learned how to howl and the proper way to ambush prey.
Why can't I wear my ears to swim?
Hungry Like The Wolf
The unnamed horror novel continues to chug along, I expect in another month or so to wrap up the first draft. Then comes the pain, editing.
Literary Swordsmanship
Steve Wetherell wrote one of the best blog posts I have read to date on what it takes to be a success as an Indie Author. Feel free to check it out, https://www.undergroundbookreviews.org/the-seven-vital-virtues-of-indie-author-success/
and then take his points to heart, before you take a point to the heart. Don’t believe literary duels happen? Feel free to check into the death of Christopher Marlowe. Chris was a literary bad-ass, but no match for Bubonic Bill. There’s a reason we read Shakespeare 400 years after his death.

It's true, in darkened, rain-soaked alleys, behind hotels hosting various conventions, authors fight to the death to absorb each other’s literary powers. These duels, known by all but rarely discussed occur almost every weekend. The victor fights their way up the ladder of success until they leave behind the blood-soaked arena of Indie authordom and goes legit.

Suddenly contracts appear, movie deals are discussed, and groupies gush. Those left behind gnash their teeth, sharpen their weapons, and look for their opportunity to ascend. Which is why legit authors get a posse.
Stephen King and Posse, 1985
Who should you monitor, what will they use to rend your body and steal your literary mojo? Keep reading my friends, keep reading.

Emersen Lee, the Booted Bandit, is adorable sized, at 61 inches.
Smile = Death is coming
Do not, however, let her diminutive size, fool you. A vicious kick- boxer, and mistress of the Kris blades, she will give you an impish smile as she slides them between your ribs and drains you of literary talent. Read her book and her WIPs to gain understanding of how to avoid the Smiling Imp of Death - https://emersenlee.wordpress.com/

Emily Kaplan, the Terror of Illinois, also hovers at the ‘just over five-foot’ mark.
Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry
Formerly a frequently user of the blowgun of death, Emily has recently changed things up, and become - enhanced. When angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs, the creature is driven by rage, and has been known to flip cars, pummel 70s street gangs, and make nosy investigative journalists fly.
Now Emily uses a chopping cleaver to slice and dice her prey. Approach with extreme caution and only in a non-threatening manner. Complementing her on her books (found here along with a blog and t-shirts) - http://justtheemwords.com/
may prevent you from being gored on her tusks as she screams “Waaagh!” while tearing you limb from limb.

Laurie Vincent, Deadly Red,
I'll will go DEVO on you.
like most redheads, and all cats, likes to toy with her food. In this case, she packs a one-two combination that has devastated many authors. Renown for her whip work, Laurie, wears down her opponent with a ten foot bull whip, until he or she is a quivering mound of flesh. Daintily, she stalks closer to the soon to be former author, and slides in a stiletto for the kill. Sad fact of life, most of you can’t handle a redhead and the tale of Laurie should only reinforce that truth. Still if you’re foolish enough to seek a challenge, go here to learn what you need to know- https://www.amazon.com/Laurie-Vincent/e/B00L0CMB7C/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1406992026&sr=8-1
Laurie’ll make you laugh, weep, shout for joy and then with a swift stab take it all away from you.


Adam Dreece, The Man Who Purged Dundas Harbor, is a Canadian.
Try not to bleed on me as you die, eh?
Like all Canadians, including my cousins, he loves Cricket, and a polite literary exsanguination, with a spot of tea. Well trained in the use of a sabre, Adam has cut down many a foolish upstart author. All with a polite yawn, and perhaps a helpful criticism or two. Being the consummate gentleman that he is, he not only has a website where you can begin to stalk him, but his books are prominently featured as well. It is recommended you read everything he has written before you drop a challenge. Also, get your will in order  -  http://adamdreece.com/

Janey Mack, The Irish Terror of Arizona, is smart, fast, and has a dazzling smile of death.
Oh honey, you're too pretty to die today.
As you can guess, Janey likes to use a rapier, and talks smack to her opponents. As fast as her blade is, it is rumored that she has slain just as many with her sharp tongue, Oscar Wilde style. If you’re feeling daring, Janey’s contributions to literary excellence can be found here -  http://www.janeymack.com/
Further warning, she’s gone legit, she’s got mad skills and won’t hesitate to draw blood.

Ken Lange, Mr. Silent but Deadly, the Stench of Orleans,
Go away kid, you're bothering me
prefers a straight bladed katana to dispatch the annoying. Solitary, fierce, grumpy, and not afraid to lay a smack down on fools, Ken prefers the One Clean Cut of Death, which involves removing the liver via the left eye socket. If you dare, book, t-shirts and information can be found here, just hang on to your liver - https://www.kenlangeauthor.com/

Rick Gualtieri, The Jersey Devil,
So damn hot my hair melted!
was once a dual-hatted author/ regular job holder, but thanks to his prodigious work, and sublime sword skills, he now holds the master rank of AUTHOR. Always ready with a smile, and snarky joke, Rick uses a Bastard sword, not because it’s best tool available, but because he gets to say “Bastard” a lot. If you’re dumb enough to face him, expect to hear about your lack of sexual prowess, several negative comparisons to sexual reproductive organs, scatological references, and ultimately laughter as you bleed out. Gather information, and read his books by going here -
Gird your loins, death awaits those who are underprepared.

And there you have it a short reference to those who have made it, and those on the way up. Why some are destined for literary greatness, and others to the bargain bin of the dollar store. Let us not forget that swordsmanship by itself will not get you that three movie deal, one must also be able to string together sentences and tell a tale that amazes. That’s takes work and inspiration. Lastly, hire an editor!

What’s that?

What do I use when dueling?

Growing up I had to learn to use both hands for certain jobs. I do have a wild and uninhibited streak. I’ve been known to wear naught but a kilt and gas mask for casual Friday (pro tip: don’t do that, HR gets all kinds of stupid). My mad skills allowed me to tame a wild redhead. Put that all together along with my sanguis nature and I use a SOG tomahawk in one hand and a Bowie knife in the other. You've been warned.
Want to know more about me via my works?
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Demons whispering madness?
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Junior Inquisitor Book One  

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 Smashwords - https://goo.gl/NXw3Gr
Inquisitor Series - http://goo.gl/5lCyaX
The Witch’s Lair Book Three 
Smashwords - https://goo.gl/MokJnC 
 Inquisitor Series - http://goo.gl/mJtTf8 
The Vampire of Rome Book Four


Susanne Leist said...

Your article is inspiring. I need to go out and find a posse. Writing can be too lonely.

Farish's Freehold said...

Thank you. That's my plan as well. Just hope I can find the right costumes and theme music. Hate to dress up as color blind pirates with the song "Mandy" by Barry Manilow playing. Don't think it'd set the right tone.